The Dowd Is Sinking
September 4, 2003
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...Maureen Dowd almost approached being average. She was just another liberal comfortably lying in Timesville comforted by the warmth of her politically correct dogma. She preached to her choir and the faithful understood her...even though no rational person did. But then she found a gray hair and the harmonic imbalance occurred.
There is a rumor that her recent paranoid ramblings are directly linked to the loss of a Prozac prescription. The poor dear’s mediocre intellect must be ravaged by the onset of a permanent hot flash. I certainly hope the New York Times humanely puts this has-been out to pasture because she has become udderly nonsensical.
In the early stages of the affliction, we find a slightly Dowdy Maureen almost jealously despising Republican women whose hearts, so she claims, "go boom-boom" at the thought of President Bush’s "leg-hugging harness". Maybe Maureen would like a bit of that "boom-boom" also.
Catching herself slipping into the realm of male desire, Dowd rebounds and yearns for the halcyon days of masculine pathos when presidential, "contenders showed softer sides, crying, wearing earth tones, confessing to family therapy." I am sure that this softer side approach would similarly impress the Islamofacists and their liberal enablers.
In a full-blown tirade of penis envy, Dowd unleashes on America’s real enemies, "Spike TV, the first men’s channel, offers ‘Baywatch,’...’Stripperella,’ ‘The A-team,’ ‘American Gladiator,’ ‘Car and Driver,’ and ‘Trucks!’" My God...she has discovered the source of her terror..."free-floating testosterone". Maureen, you have such a queer eye for the straight guy.
And just to prove what a vast conspiracy of "the normal" she has unzipped, Dowd "outs" Erica Walter, who sees Bush as, "...a contained, channeled virility." Dowd emphasizes that Walter is (in her quotes) "an at-home mom and Catholic...." Oh Fidel...save the world, there is a religious mother on the loose.
Perhaps a sudden withdrawal from psychotropic medication prompted Maureen to inadvertently open the vault of liberal deception when she asks, "Shouldn’t real men be able to control their puppets?" The confusion of night sweats had her talking about Bush while she was, in fact, reminiscing about the past. Under the strain of Delirium Tremens, Maureen was probably referring to the puppets at the New York Times and other elite media dancing on the liberal strings of the Clinton cabal.
Through a series of op-eds, Dowd really nosedives into the bipolar world of delusion. Case in point...she insists that Bush "...doesn’t want us to know" what went wrong during the period preceding 9/11. Hey Maureen, I’ll give you a hint: The World Trade Center truck bombing (Feb. 26, 1993), the 1995 bombing in Saudi Arabia, which killed five U.S. military personnel, the 1996 Khobar Towers bombing in Saudi Arabia, which killed 19 and injured 200 U.S. military personnel, the 1998 bombing of U.S. embassies in Africa, which killed 224 and injured 5,000, the 2000 bombing of the USS Cole, which killed 17 and injured 39 U.S. sailors. The BIG secret that Bush is keeping must be that terrorism had a free reign while Clinton was busy sharing his Tootsie Pop...or was it hiding his Tootsie Roll? Oh, that’s right...he did once bomb an aspirin factory.
In a more lucid moment, Dowd shares the reality or war, "Our exhausted and frustrated soldiers are in a hideously difficult environment they’re not familiar with, dealing with a culture America only dimly understands...and where we’re so strapped that soldiers may have to face back-to-back yearlong overseas tours." Sounds familiar to my father and many like him who served continuously from 1941 to 1945 in the unbearably infested jungles of the Pacific Theater fighting disease, cannibals and the Japanese. Get ready for the pain Maureen...my Dad and his peers were and are your worst nightmare...they are real men and never complained. They just won and gave you the luxury brattle on.
I am begging the New York Times to help their own before it’s too late. This sordid tale of personal implosion could terminate with an adult toy store robbery. Somebody please ease Dowd’s pain. She is sinking fast and her last cry says it all, "...please find some real men." Any takers?
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