Cell Phones, Bladder Disorders. Etc.
A New National Threat
March 15, 2002
As If 9-11 Wasn’t Enough
After the 1993 truck bombing of the World Trade Center, American’s had a few good years of feeling domestically secure. Other than a few child molesters and muggers there was little to fear on the shores of the homeland.
Then the fateful day of 9-11 was introduced. From the peaceful Walden’s Pond, America turned into a porcupine of real and perceived threats. Poisoning of the nation’s water supplies, bombing of nuclear power plants, the possible A-bombing of New York and a World War II hero carrying a Medal of Honor became the contemporary bogeymen that haunt America’s solace 24-7.
With the sales of Prozac rocketing into the stratosphere, a new threat to national insecurity is once again looming on the horizon...cell phones, the new jihad of the technological era.
A recent Associated Press news flash alerted America that, “In what some safety advocates attribute to powerful cell phone lobbyists, many states over the past year have considered banning the use of hand-held cellular phones while driving, but so far only one - New York - has taken that step.” The new al-Qaeda of capitalism has taken the form of telecommunication’s industry lobbyists packing potent weapons of national destruction in their “oh so stylish” hip holsters.
In a sweep that pales the effectiveness of airport security screeners, “More than 2,000 tickets have been issued since the (NY cell phone) ban took effect Nov.1 and at least 20 states have begun tracking cell phone involvement in traffic accidents, according to the National Conference of State Legislatures.”
To further secure the continental shores from all threats, real or perceived, “Last year, cell phone legislation was introduced in 43 states, 35 of them calling for an outright ban on the use of hand-held cell phones while driving.”
However, our national insecurity is being compounded because, “Some safety advocates believe the legislation has been stalled by powerful cell phone lobbyists.”
“They hire lobbyists to cover every state capital in the nation and put on the pressure,” said Pena, of Perkasie, Pa (Pena’s 2-year-old daughter Morgan Lee Pena was killed in 1999 when a driver dialing a cell phone ran a stop sign and hit the car the mother was driving in Pennsylvania). The telecommunications lobby is huge, powerful and has lots and lots of money.” Does this mean that if you use a cell phone…you support terrorism?
And Along Comes Rambo
The Cleveland suburb of Brooklyn became the first community in the country to ban the use of hand-held cell phones by drivers in 1999. Brooklyn fines drivers $35 for a first offense, with a possible $100 fine for a second offense.
Brooklyn Patrolman Rich Hovan, who wrote the first of what now totals 650 cell phone tickets in the city, jots the initials of Morgan Lee Pena on tickets and gives each motorist a photo of the girl.
“They always have an excuse about why they use the phone,” Hovan said. “I ask them, ‘Would you accept that as an excuse if somebody killed your daughter?’ I haven’t had anyone tell me ‘Yeah.’” (AP)
One might wonder how many violent criminal activities are going unnoticed while old “Hawk Eye Hovan” is obsessively ferreting out cell phone terrorists….
But I Have To Pee
“Tim Hurd, spokesman for the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, said there are no reliable statistics on crashes involving cell phones, but he estimated that 25 percent of crashes are related to distractions.”
And speaking of distractions while driving, according to the Urologychannel.Com, “Overactive bladder affects men and women equally. Approximately 20 million people in the United States suffer from the condition. Though it is not necessarily a result of aging, it most often affects older people.”
“Three symptoms are associated with an overactive bladder: (1) Frequency (frequent urination), (2) Urgency (urgent need to urinate) and (3) Urge incontinence (strong need to urinate followed by leaking or involuntary and complete voiding)”
Talk about distractions…some lunatic with a bursting bladder flies by at 90 mph desperately seeking a rest room and slipping into a fresh pair of Depends®.
The only rational explanation for drivers with overactive bladders not immediately being sent to Camp X-Ray in Cuba must be the wider conspiracy of urology lobbyists.
The scope of driver distraction terror just keeps growing.
And Time For A Beauty Rest
A clandestine source at the National Sleep Foundation (NSF) has recently uncovered documents which reveal that:
…more than 40 percent of adults experience daytime sleepiness severe enough to interfere with their daily activities at least a few days each month – with 20 percent reporting problem sleepiness a few days a week or more. At least 40 million Americans suffer from sleep disorders, yet more than 60 percent of adults have never been asked about the quality of their sleep by a physician and fewer than 20 percent ever initiated a discussion.
Poor sleep has a price. Millions of individuals struggle to stay alert at home, in school, on the job - and on the road. Tragically, fatigue contributes to more than 100,000 police-reported highway crashes, causing 71,000 injuries and 1,500 deaths each year in the United States alone.
And yet, these people are still allowed to drive motor vehicles. More cells of this terrorist conspiracy must be in the form of “No Doz” lobbyists (a suspiciously sounding foreign name).
Carpet Bomb All Distractions
It is now clear that the war against driver distractions is larger and more widespread than initially thought. This is a war that will test the patience of the American public. But, we are in it for the long haul and assured of victory.
“There is a broad problem of driver distraction that includes cell phone use, but is not restricted to cell phone use,” said Stephanie Faul, spokeswoman for the Washington-based AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety. (AP)
“People feed their babies. People write. People read. People eat. They put on makeup. They comb their hair,” Faul said. “Any legislation should encompass the full range of distractions.” (AP)
Face the music you distracters of destruction…your days are numbered. Cells phone users, frequent urinators, bill board readers, lunch eaters, the sleepy eyed, daydreamers, itch scratchers, radio tuners, make-up appliers, heat adjustors, burger munchers and all others who participate in this jihad supporting driver distraction will be eliminated.
You will be arrested, fined, jailed and relegated to tricycles for your malfeasance.
Just One Question
Who the hell will be left on the road?
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