It’s Not My Fault
The Liberal Solution

July 2, 2001

With “conservation” reconstituted as the trendiest cause célèbre, it might be a prudent idea for the New York Times to quit wasting paper and ink on their numerous Bestseller lists. In lieu of their multitudinous Fiction, Nonfiction, Hardcover and Paperback scorecards, the Times could conserve resources by creating a Top Five list of “It’s Not My Fault” stories.

What could be better than the week’s news condensed into a Top Five list that is stranger than fiction and truer than a documentary? This environmentally friendly list does not waste Mother Nature on hardcover or paperback editions; it is bagged and can be recycled as fertilizer.

Each week, the Times could entertain the nation by ranking the docudramas euphemistically referred to as journalism. With a little slight of hand, the truth becomes “The Story”.

Reporters could emerge from their closets and take credit for the missionary zeal of their literary privilege. This national competition to become the Numero Uno Apologist for unaccountable pathetic whiners would credit modern journalism for what it is; the Fantasy Island under which truth is somewhere buried.

With ruffles and flourishes, the inaugural edition of the Top Five “It’s Not My Fault” list for the week of June 18, 2001 is unveiled.

And #5 this week is…

OxyContin makers face another lawsuit

In a dastardly plot against humanity, the producers and prescribers of the painkiller OxyContin failed to inform the world that a NARCOTIC substance might be addictive. Despite a tsunami of relief provided to terminally ill patients and chronic pain sufferers from the legitimate use of OxyContin, ADDICTS, FORMER ADDICTS and RELATIVES OF ADDICTS believe that a NARCOTIC has duped them into drug abuse…Hello Reality!

Oxycontin's active ingredient is released slowly into the body. But, the producers and prescribers failed to prevent the ADDICTS from circumventing the drug’s time-release mechanism (known as a capsule or tablet) and allowed the ADDICTS to get hooked by crushing the pills and inhaling or injecting the powder to get the same kind of euphoric high that heroin brings.

The LAWYERS for these VICTIMS are seeking at least $5.2 billion in damages of which the LAWYERS keep at least ONE THIRD.

And #4 this week is…

American Woman Sentenced in Peru

Apparently innocent American, Lori Berenson, was convicted and sentenced (by a bunch of apparently right-wing militaristic men) to 20 years in prison Wednesday for collaborating with leftist guerrillas in a thwarted plot to seize Peru’s Congress.

Berenson migrated to Peru after working as a personal secretary to a Salvadoran REBEL LEADER. Berenson, a former Massachusetts Institute of Technology student (a.k.a. M.I.T.), admitted that she rented a house that the guerrillas used as a hide-out, but said she did not know her housemates were rebels. However, she allegedly can spell POTATO!

When police raided the house, they discovered 8,000 rounds of ammunition, dynamite, a coded floor plan of Congress allegedly scrawled by Berenson and a forged Peruvian election ID card bearing her photo. However, she denied ever having a receipt for a rented Ryder truck.

Berenson maintains she is a social activist caught up in circumstances BEYOND HER CONTROL. However, she does not claim to have overactive bladder syndrome.

Not to worry, Berenson’s mother and father both attended the sentencing and are fighting to free her. The Associated Press reports that her parents “…have made powerful allies in the U.S. Congress”. (Maybe they want her to date Representative Condit)

She must be telling the truth because; “Mark Berenson (her father) flashed a peace sign with his fingers (like Nixon used to do) and said he believed in his daughter’s innocence (like Nixon used to do).

And #3 this week is…

U.S. Executes Mexican-American Drug Kingpin

Mexican-American drug lord and murderer Juan Raul Garza was executed at daybreak on Tuesday, in the same spot and with the same drugs that killed Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh eight days earlier.

The LAWYERS for the drug warlord Juan Raul Garza had made a last-ditch appeal to the White House on Monday, saying his death would damage U.S. relations with Mexico and the rest of the Western Hemisphere. God forbid…if that happened Mexico might close the border and deprive the U.S. of illegal immigrants.

Garza must have been a very nice man even though he sold drugs and murdered people because, “In his teenage years, Juan Raul Garza worked the fields in Michigan with his parents, who were migrant farmhands. Selling fruit door to door, he eventually saved up money for a bed to replace the mats he'd always slept on.” The drugs and murders were not really his fault because he was born as poor as Abraham Lincoln.

All of Garza’s problems appear to be the fault of racism; “I think Juan Garza's case is going to present the Bush administration with its first real test on its commitment to racial equality in the criminal justice system,” Garza attorney Gregory Wiercioch said.

Obviously, this was not a politically correct execution like Timothy McVeigh’s. But, the LAWYERS can rest easy because after the execution, Mexico assured the U.S. that no treaties were violated because Garza was a U.S. citizen and that Mexican-U.S. relations are still hunky-dory.

And #2 this week is…

Davis Asks for Energy Refund Help

California Gov. Gray Davis, seeking to shift the focus of the energy debate continued to insist that the Bush administration and federal regulators must be responsible for California's energy problems.

Even though California (1) would not allow new power plant construction, (2) deregulated wholesale prices, (3) regulated retail prices and (4) did every stupid and politically selfish thing it could to bring about a power crises…IT’S NOT MY FAULT…blame George W. and make him fix it and then force ALL AMERICANS TO BAIL OUT THE CALIFORNIA BRATS.

“This is a rough business and the people I represent are mad.” Davis observed while hoping he could blame anybody for his own weakness, indecision and stupidity.

Adding to the pressure, Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA) introduced a bill Wednesday that would require the government to order rebates if federal regulators determine that electricity prices charged were “unjust and unreasonable” (unlike government tax policy). Who could better define the terms “unjust and unreasonable” than a bunch of Federal regulators?

Maybe Federal regulators should decide if the ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY in California charges “unjust and unreasonable” prices for movie tickets and DVD’s. Do celebrities charge “unjust and unreasonable” fees…Is Alec Baldwin really worth millions of $$$ per movie?

And our Grand Prize #1 Whiner…winner this week is…

Houston Mother Kills 5 Children

Police discovered five children dead inside a southeast Houston home around 10 a.m. Wednesday, June 20, 2001.

Andrea Yates described how she methodically killed the children Wednesday. She spoke in a "zombie-like fashion." Which would suggest that a Zombie killed the children, not their mother.

Yates, a former nurse, told police that 2-year-old Luke was the first child to be drowned, followed by Paul, 3, and John, 5. After each child died, Yates carried their bodies into a bedroom, put them on a bed and covered them with a sheet. It was not reported if Yates was waiting to join the Heaven’s Gate cult with the next passing of the Hale-Bopp Comet.

She said 7-year-old Noah walked into the bathroom and saw her holding the youngest child, 6-month-old Mary.

"What's wrong with Mary?" Noah asked his mother.

Yates then chased Noah through the house, dragged him back to the bathroom and drowned him next to Mary. No Jonestown Cool-Aid was reported to be served.

But don’t fret, IT’S NOT HER FAULT…she is suffering from postpartum depression.

Postpartum psychosis, the most severe form of postpartum depression, affects mothers after one or two of every 1,000 births, said EXPERT Laurence Kruckman, a professor of medical anthropology at Indiana University of Pennsylvania.

“If you are in that category, there is a high likelihood of hallucinations,” said Kruckman, who heads Postpartum Support International. “Mothers hear voices that say kill yourself or kill the baby, or both.” It was not reported if Kruckman will be an EXPERT witness for Yates’ defense or, if so, how much his fee would be. There are no rumors of book deals or made-for-television movies…yet.

The American classic, Perry Como, best summarized the, “It’s Not My Fault” syndrome in his famous song, “I’m Always Chasing Rainbows”…

At the end of the rainbow there's happiness

And to find it how often I've tried,

But my life is a race, just a wild goose chase,

And my dreams have all been denied.

Why have I always been a failure?

What can the reason be?

I wonder if the world's to blame,

I wonder if it could be me?

When Mr. Como gave America the song do you think he knew that CRIMINALS, LAWYERS and JOURNALISTS would be supplying the dance?