IHOP Negotiates Hussein Exile
Saddam Came Hungry…Left Happy
March 20, 2003
As the world comes perilously close to a major war in Iraq, informed sources are reporting that Saddam Hussein, through the intervention of the International House of Pancakes, is only hours away from departing for a self-imposed exile in an as yet unnamed nation.
With forces massing on both sides of the conflict for what, until moments ago was an almost certain bloodbath of horrific scale, a last minute entreaty rumored to originate from the New York Stock Exchange listed IHOP Corp. seems to be winning the peace.
Weary from months of planning for the anticipated Mother of All Wars redux, Hussein took a respite from his duties as the Butcher of Baghdad and chilled in solitary introspection.
Spending your life in a bunker waiting for Armageddon must be a terrible bore. What’s a body to do? Most of your generals and population wish you would just die to spare them the same fate. Everything from your next breath to a sip of water is a potential threat on your life. And even you’re your ex-mistress is telling the world that you slouch without Viagra.
After sacrificing a lifetime of worldly pleasures for the sole quest of delivering your people from the Dark Ages recent days have not been encouraging. There was that bit of joy last week when a malcontent who slandered the name of Hussein, “was tied to a lamp post on a street in Baghdad, his tongue cut out, mutilated and left to bleed to death, as a warning to others.” In tough times you have to take your pleasures as they come.
And speaking of pleasures, there is nothing better than a whiskey on the rocks, a rack of fresh roasted gazelle and a Cuban cigar. Ah…until moments ago those great days of morning swims in a private pool and gourmet meals seemed to be spiraling into history.
But with hope and a smidgen of luck, biweekly air deliveries of fresh lobster, shrimp, fish, lean meat, and plenty of milk and honey might continue. The thought of living without European-trained chefs preparing the daily victuals is torture worse than an ear-lobbing.
All was well with the Baghdad world until those nosey Western Infidels started to mess with the fantasy. The World According to Saddam was the beginning and end of the tale. But no, that nitty journalist Mark Bowden had to blabber, “The root of Saddam’s bloody, single-minded pursuit of power appears to be simple vanity.” And that Richard K. Betts, director of the Institute of War and Peace at Columbia University postulated, “If he can avoid his own demise by giving in, I think he will.” And then that traitorous General Wafic Al Samarrai, ex-Head of Iraqi Military Intelligence had to tell the world that Saddam was “quite desperate, and…quite frightened” in 1991 when it looked as though the allies might advance to the bridges of Baghdad.
Dr. Jerrold M. Post, Political Psychologist, George Washington University really drove the last nail into the coffin of deceit with his accurate inference that, “Unlike some other leaders who, once they make a decision, will pursue it to the end, on a number of crucial occasions when Saddam has miscalculated and the decision he has made has proven counterproductive, he has been able to reverse himself. Now, he doesn't view this as an error in decision-making. He views this as adaptively responding to a dynamic situation.”
In the tradition of all college students behind in their studies, the soon to be ex-dictator of Iraq knows from his exhaustive studies of Western culture that television assuages the inevitable reality. And, according to sources, the French who are brokering the peace, report that it was during a Sanford and Son marathon on TV Land when the breakthrough came.
A French intelligence officer, on the condition of anonymity, reported that Hussein reveled in the glow of a survival redeeming epiphany while watching a tenth repetition of an IHOP commercial. Again, unnamed sources claim that Hussein immediately called IHOP Corp. HQ and demanded a delivery of Stuffed French Toast. After learning that, for safety reasons, FedEx had suspended flights to Iraq, Hussein inquired about the possibility of an Algerian delivery. His request was granted.
As the seconds pass, just what is going through the psyche of Saddam Hussein?
Primarily, sources report that he has two thoughts, “I have to get me some of that Stuffed French Toast” and “Where are my bitches?” The need of satiating these two carnal desires prompted Hussein’s initial phone call to the executive chef at the Paris HQ of Le Cordon Bleu where the infamous Stuffed French Toast is rumored to have been developed. After an initial heart seizure, the chef contacted President Chirac who, again from reliable sources, demanded an exclusive franchise agreement from IHOP in exchange for brokering the peace.
The next several hours are crucial to the successful conclusion of the peace agreement. President Bush is making a final demand that IHOP become the new home of world peace. Inside sources at the White House quote the President as, “being convinced that IHOP is more effective than the United Nations. They have just as many international flags plus the Stuffed French Toast.”
Stay tuned for updates as this story unfolds.
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